My thoughts...

Disclaimer: I normally try not to post about this at all on my blog and I try to just avoid it all together here but I guess today I feel like rambling so I hope you don't mind. Just ignore it it might be negative and more or less its just for me to get my feelings out.

So once again today I got to take a dreaded test. I like to refer to it as a torcher test cause that's what it makes me feel. However awaiting the results is even worse but I have do to it right. Needless to say I got to have yet another blood pregnancy test today. Let me just tell you I get to have these all to often to be shattered by its results. I wish I could just have a normal body that would cycle on its own and start a period so I didn't have to go through this before I could be put on medicine to induce one. I hate the wonderful world of infertility.

I do have the thank the Lord for the miracle I have. Hailey sure has been a blessing to us and as each month passes and we get yet another negative result I am remind of what a miracle she is to our family. I can't be grateful enough for her. I love her to death and I am sure we make that known. I know the Lord wanted us to have her and she was blessed to come to us when she was. Its amazing how much infertility we have gone through and terrible results we often get. However some how the Lord blessed us with her and we will be forever grateful for her presence in our family. And she may just be the only miracle we get.

We have been battling the wonderful world of infertility pretty much our entire married life. We have been married just over six years and that's enough to take its toll on us. I know a lot of other people have it a lot worse than us and I feel for them. I can't even imagine how I feel and how much worse they must be feeling.

I don't know why but I felt like I should share some of my story with you. I have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. There is tons of information on the web about it if you want to really read about it. Basically my body doesn't ovulate and has lots of cysts on my ovaries which cause me to not ovulate. The have tried several treatments to get me to ovulate and they do a blood test every month to see if I ovulated. Well normally my results are extremely low. They would like to see my level be at a 12 and normally is at .2. Just to give you a little perspective. Two months ago I did have a high result which was amazing for me but we didn't get lucky. Needless to say I have done lots of infertility treatments. I have been to a few different reproductive doctors and its so overwhelming to go through that.

Anyways we tried for quite a well when I was blessed to get pregnant. We were so excited. We couldn't believe it. It was a miracle. Well after doing an ultrasound they found a 11 cm cyst on my ovary. That wasn't a good thing. They told me they could do surgery to remove it while being pregnant but that was risky. They said it would just take time and we'd have to wait it out. Well I ended up having a miscarriage and losing the baby. That was horrible and of course devastating. However we never know if that cysts was there my whole life or what so now I can look at it as a blessing that they found it. I ended up being cut open and having some major surgery to have the cyst removed. While they were in there they drilled holes in my ovaries to help the cysts on them drain. Not long after recovering from that surgery I was blessed to get pregnant with Hailey. We had been doing some fertility drugs and it was our last month to try them. They only let you do them for a certain amount of months because they could cause cysts. Our family fasted and prayed with us as it was our last try. They did the blood test to see if I ovulated and of course it was super low. We figured we had no luck but were pleasantly surprised when we found out I was pregnant. And of course as you know we were lucky enough to get pregnant with Hailey. Of course I was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy. I never wanted anything to go wrong. I did end up with high blood pressure in the end and was put on bed rest. Luckily for me they did a non stress test every week and I got the reassurance each time that she was doing well. I delivered Hailey by c section and she couldn't have been more perfect. It truly felt like a huge miracle as she was brought into this world.

After having Hailey I was not ready for another but worried about what our chances would be next time. The Doctors always reassured me that once I was able to get pregnant my body would know what to do and the next time it would be so much easier. That put my mind at easy...until Hailey was around a year old and I realized if we wanted another we needed to start working on it. I had hoped we'd get lucky and be able to get pregnant fast but of course this time our battle has been worse and we have had to go through more extensive fertility treatments and have still not had a positive result. The past few years have been very hard on the both of us. I try to keep it in but its so hard when your heart wants and desires to bring another child into the world and it just isn't happening. Its frustrating. It makes you mad. It makes you feel hopeless. It makes you feel unsuccessful or as if you've failed in life. Its heartbreaking when your child begs for a sibling and you can't explain to them why you don't have one for them. I feel lost and alone a lot. I know the Lord is by my side and if the time is right we will be blessed again with another miracle baby but there are some days I just want to give up all hope. Sometimes I just want to say enough is enough I am not doing this anymore. I can't cry anymore because I have no tears left. I have no feelings to say or speak and I end up speechless in my want and desire. However I have to keep on plugging along and it sure is a hard battle to fight.

Over the past year while struggling with this it seems like my family and I have been hit with so many other medical trials as well. Its hard to be happy when something is constantly going wrong. I have been sick so much. I had to have two eye surgeries, two oral surgeries, numerous shots in my back and nerve, severe back pain that's unbearable, several sinus infections, etc etc etc It seems to never end and I just want to scream. I know the Lord thinks I am strong and knows I can handle these trials but when will enough be enough. I hope that next year will bring me lots of health and that I can find answers to medical problems and get them solved. I want to find real peace again and be content and happy with my life. I yearn for it. I just know right now I have to endure this and someday I will be blessed for it.

Alright sorry for my rambling. I feel good to have just wrote some of this out. I am sure it doesn't make any sense and you are all thinking I am crazy now but sometimes you just need to let some stuff out. I am already feeling a little better. However I am still hating today and getting those much dreaded negative results but we can endure it. Please help me have strength, please help me be strong. I need the love and support of everyone to help me make it through.

Sorry again for my ramblings. I will try to keep things positive from now on.