Ending of an Era...

I am sure you will all remember back to this post a few months ago. I will spare you all those details this time around. If you want to read that biography you can definitely click the link and see what it was all about.


Needless to say today marks the ending of an era for Jared and I. I am feeling a little bitter sweet. My heart is broken into a million little pieces. We have been doing numerous infertility treatments and this last month was our last big push to try to bring another baby into this world. And boy was it a crazy month of several ups and downs, tons and tons of money spent, shots, medicines, blood tests, ultrasounds, spending more money on drugs, doctors appointments, more doctor appointments, more shots, even more bills to the doctor, more medicine, and procedures all along the way. I can't even explain what a roller coaster we have been through. Well today marked the day that we were able to test to see what the results were. Needless to say after some blood work our hope was shattered and we will not be having another baby. It is the end for us and we won't be going through all of this anymore to bring a baby into the world. We are grateful that we have Hailey and know now that obviously we are not meant to have any other children and we are going to have to learn to accept that fact. It isn't easy. My heart breaks, My eyes cry rivers, I feel pain, I feel numb, Something is missing inside of me. But we will endure Because I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and this is just part of the trials that we have to endure here on this Earth. I hope that I can be blessed someday and be able to be perfect in the next life and have numerous children!

Everyone keeps telling us to just keep trying or it will happen. But to let everyone know its not going to happen now. We both prayed about it and agreed that this was the last straw and if we didn't have any luck all the doors to carrying a child would be closed in our lives. People have mentioned us looking into adoption and yes someday maybe we would consider that but at this time we don't feel we have the physical or emotional strength to endure that process. And as we are not opposed to adopting, it just doesn't seem like the right thing for our family at this time. We have fasted and prayed over these options more than you can imagine. I feel peace with our decision as hard as it can be. Both Jared and I feel we are doing what is best for our family. As hard as it is to just say its over we are done it's amazing how much calmness and peace we have both felt. I know that the Lord Listens to our prayers and I know that he is feeling the pain with us but also by putting our Trust in the Lord he is helping us to make it though this hard trial in our lives.

When I think about what is happening to us my heart breaks for so many different reasons. The one it breaks the most for is my precious Hailey. I know I can't express enough how much I love her to death and what a miracle we know she was to us. Even more so now. We are so grateful for her and wouldn't ever want anyone to think we weren't. That little girl is loved to pieces and she is the light of our lives. We revolve around Hailey. My heart breaks for her though knowing now that she will never have a sibling. She will never get to have that bond that I have with my sisters. She will never get to help with a younger sibling or be an example to them. She will never get to talk about the crazy things that Mom and Dad did and have a sibling agree with her. She will never get to experience what it is like to have brothers/sisters. She will never have a little sister or brother to annoy and bug her. She will never get to pick on a younger sibling. The list could go on and on. I ache that I can not explain to her why this is the way it is. I wish she could understand. I hate having her ask for a brother or sister and me not being able to give that to her. I just hope that she can be strong and even though she won't have these experiences that we can fill that void in her life. I hope that someday she can get married and have the opportunity through marriage to have brothers and sisters and also be able to bear lots of children. My biggest fear is that she will resent us for not giving her a sibling so I hope and pray that we can let her know that's what we wanted but sometimes the Lord has other plans for us.

Another reason I am sad is obviously you can not even imagine how bad I want a baby. It breaks my heart to know I will never get to be pregnant again or bear another child. I won't get to feel a baby kick. Feel the baby grow watch a child come into this life. Go through the pain of bearing a child. I won't get to have sleepless nights and newborn exhaustion. I will never get to rock my own baby. Or give it a bottle. Dress is cute. Give it loves and attention. Take a baby's pictures. Change diapers even the poopy ones! I will never get to experience what it is like to have a second baby or to have "kids." I don't get to buy diapers or formula, Or walk through the baby sections to find stuff for my baby. i won't get to lose Binky's and buy new ones. I won't get to experiences all those firsts again. First smile, first laugh, first bath, first word, walking, crawling, etc. I could go on and on but I am sure you get the point.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I wish I could have enjoyed all those things a little longer. Hailey grew up way to fast but I wish I could go back and ponder on those memories of her and have them real again. I wish I would have been able to hold her more, love her more, do more little things with her and really enjoyed that time as an infant with her. So I plead for you to love your little ones more than anything. There are some of us out there that will never get to experience that or experience it again so enjoy it while you can/ Don't take those precious things for granted.

Alright I have rambled enough. My eyes are so swollen and full of tears I am sure I am making no more sense. I can barely see to type. I am sorry to write all this. I am sure you will all think I am totally nuts now but I really wanted to share some of my deep feelings with you as this comes to an end for us. No more baby era for us. No more infertility battles.

We will now be opening a new chapter of our lives and changing our focus and starting fresh on when and what we wish to accomplish now.

Please bear with me as I try to cope with new finding in our lives. I may not be up to much for a little while as I grieve per say but I do still love and care about you and I will come around shortly.

Thanks for listening to my troubles!

PS I am still sick. I think that I have now caught Jared's bronchitis and to top all of this off I feel miserable and awful. I have so much congestion and a horrible cough. I feel like I can't breath and I am so miserable I can't sleep at night. I am pretty sure I will be heading back to the doctor tomorrow to see if I need stronger treatment or if something else is going on. I just want all this medical crap to go away for a while and for my family to just have some peace and no more trials...at least for a few weeks or something. Alright sorry again for all the typing.